Mark (he’s the one that plays bass guitar by himself in his underwear) had an extra ticket to the Snoop Dogg show Friday night because he and his girlfriend broke up. I was happy to go but I made it clear I would not be performing any “girlfriend duties”. Like any lame white dude would, I instantly started to worry about what gangs would be there and if I would get shot. Apparently the authorities had the same idea because there were plenty of police cars and ambulances outside the venue. It didn’t take long once I was inside to remember The Dogg is more pop than hip hop these days. The crowd was 95% lame white people just like me, some even older, all wearing Steelers gear. One of the few black dudes I did see was wearing a Coogi sweater. I felt a little cooler because at least I knew what it was. We grabbed a few beers and I bitched about something so Mark wouldn’t miss his girlfriend too much.
Before Snoop came on the DJs played a lot of the great older rap tunes - Biggie, Ice Cube, Dre, Easy E, etc. It looked like Snoop’s bodyguard was on stage trying to recruit ladies in the front row to head backstage. He was a white guy but he was one of the scariest looking guys I have ever seen, probably too scary because I didn’t see any girls heading backstage. I told Mark they were filming another Lord of the Rings movie next door and one of the Orcs must have gotten lost.
We were a few beers deep before Snoop finally came out and I think I had a pretty good contact high going. He walked out in a Steelers coaches jacket ($100) holding his shiny blinged-out microphone (I’d love to get one of those). At this point the Orc body guard was on the left side of the stage and another white Orc, amazingly even taller and scary than the first, was on the right side of the stage. Snoop is 6’4 and these two monsters made him look small. If you check out this video on YouTube you can get a decent look at them on either side of the stage. I wondered how many beers I would have to get in Mark before I could convince him to jump on stage and hug Snoop. It was hard to tell what shades Snoop was wearing but I’m pretty sure they’re these Locs ($13). Locs are a Doggfather and west coast favorite.
Snoop was obviously losing his voice from the Steelers game the night before and I think the crowd did more rapping than him. He was only on stage for an hour but it was still a good show. He played all the songs you wanted to hear. I couldn’t convince Mark to get up on stage so unfortunately the bodyguards didn’t get to kill anyone.
On the way home Mark and I stopped for more beers and, of course, pizza. I’d love to blame the 4 pieces of pizza I ate on my contact high, but I’m really just a fatass. When I got home I woke my pregnant wife up to show her my “Hip Hop Broke My Heart” t-shirt ($20) and how proud I was for finally not getting pizza stains on something. She mumbled something about her lawyer and went back to sleep.
I wondered down to the baby’s room where all the clothes and toys are laid out for our upcoming “bundle of joy”. I cried myself to sleep on the floor in the fetal position while quietly rapping, “bow wow wow yippie yo yippie yay…”.
Just another day in the life of a G.
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